Decisions
by Aislinn Carter
Summary: Kathryn remembers finding out the devastating consequences if she hadn't stranded Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. Takes place during Sacred Ground and just after Workforce, JC in the background.


Disclaimer: I do not own them, not any of them, because if I did, Captain Janeway and Chakotay would be married with loads of kids. But they're not, therefore I don't own them. I guess Paramount does. I do, however, own this story, as it came from my brain.

I really, really love feedback, please give me some!

I loved that episode Sacred Ground. I especially loved Chakotay checking Kathryn out, but that's not what this is about. This takes place in the 7th season, just after Workforce (an episode which, by the way, would have been much better if I wrote it and Chakotay's mind was altered so he and Kathryn could get it on without feeling guilty about it, but ce la vie).

Decisions

By Aislinn Carter

There was a part of the experience in the shrine that Kathryn never remembered until years later. She didn't know why, but she suspected that the memories had been hidden from her until she would be capable of handling them. At the time, she had just been so relieved to have Kes back that she never thought about a gap in her memories. She doubted she would have noticed, especially considering the emotional and physical turmoil she had been experiencing. But once her memories began to come back after the Quarra incident, she suddenly remembered what she hadn't before. Stranger still, she remembered that she hadn't remembered it.

It took her a few days to piece together the exact memory, the exact words said. When she finally had it all in order, it hit her like a phaser blast to the chest.

* * *

She had been standing by the ocean with her guide. "You really care about Kes, don't you?" the woman asked her with that same mysterious smile she had been wearing all along. 

"I care about all my crew."

"But she wasn't always a member of your crew, was she? Tell me, Kathryn, how did she come to be?"

Kathryn swallowed and looked away. "I made a choice…I destroyed our way home to protect Kes' people. I think…I think we inspired her, and she asked to come with us."

"How do you feel about that choice?"

"If I hadn't made it, the Ocampa might be dead. But…we would be home. I had no right to take away everyone's lives like that. It was not my place to make that decision for them."

"But aren't you the captain? Isn't that your job, to make decisions for your crew?"

"That's a pretty big decision. Everyone on my crew has families they should be with. They shouldn't be here, a lifetime away from home, fighting for their lives on a regular basis, with no one back home knowing what happened to them. If we ever get home, it may not be to the world we left behind."

Her companion smiled mysteriously. "Or it may be, you don't know. You could get home in a lifetime, or you could get home tomorrow. The universe is always changing, Kathryn. Flowing. Flow with it."

"I just wish I knew that I had made the right decision. They're missing so much of their lives. They could be happy right now, and I took that from them."

Her guide leaned down to pick up a handful of sand. She stood up, and Kathryn watched as the sand slowly slipped through the woman's fingers. "You see these grains, how they have no control of where I place them? Life is much like that, Kathryn. We are all just grains of sand, at the mercy of a greater power to guide us and set us down where we belong." She regarded Kathryn carefully. "I am curious…if you knew the alternative of a different decision, positive or negative, would it help color your feelings as to the decision you did make?"

Kathryn looked at her, puzzled. "Well of course it would!"

"Then I have another question for you. What if you were given other options? What if it was possible to protect the Ocampa and return home as well? Whatever the consequences of returning home, would you have done it? Do you think your crew needs to be home that badly that anything else is inconsequential?"

Kathryn stared at her. "When you put it that way…" Then she shook her head. "No, if I could have done both, I would have made sure we got home! Getting home is our primary goal. If there had been another way, I would have done it. Regardless of whatever was waiting for us there, we would have been home!"

Her guide gave her a half smile. "Well, then let's see what would happen, shall we?"

* * *

There was a flash of light, and Kathryn found herself back on the bridge. 

"Captain," Tuvok said from Tactical. "It worked. We are back in the badlands."

It was as if she was inside herself, an observer. The voice that came out of her mouth was hers, but she wasn't speaking. She was just watching. "Neelix used the array to disable the Kazon ships before we left, correct?"

"I detected that the Kazon ships were destroyed, Captain. I also detected that the tricobolt devices had been set to detonate. It is a reasonable assumption that Neelix and Kes were able to escape before they exploded, and before more Kazon ships arrived."

"I hope so. They were instrumental in our return home. Without them, who knows what would have happened." Janeway brushed a piece of her hair back into her bun and grinned wryly at Tuvok. "Bit of a bumpy ride though, huh Tuvok?"

Tom spoke up from the helm. "Not as bad as the trip there."

Janeway regarded Tom for a moment. "Tom," she said softly. He turned around "Thank you for your help. I want you to know, I will be making a recommendation to the rehabilitation colony to parole you early. Your behavior on this mission has been exemplary, and you were just as instrumental in our return as Neelix and Kes were. I won't let that be forgotten."

Tom's eyes lit up for a moment, before he seemed to retreat into himself. "Thank you, Captain." He said gruffly as he turned back to the helm. "But I'm not sure even that will help."

She frowned. "Hmm…Well, Mr. Tuvok, what's the status of our Maquis friends?"

"Mr.Chakotay was beamed from his ship just before it was destroyed. He was met by a security detail, and he and his fellow Maquis are in the brig."

"Well, I'll have to make sure Starfleet Command is also aware of his exemplary performance in all this, although considering the charges against him, I'm not sure what that will help. I'll be going down to speak to him. Set us on a course back to Earth, and contact Starfleet Command. You have the bridge."

She entered the brig to find a group of bitter, furious Maquis yelling at the security officers, and Chakotay trying to calm them down. Most of them quieted when they saw her walk in, and gradually, the room fell silent.

"Hello," she said firmly. "I'm sure you'll be happy to know we are back in the badlands, and are locked into a course for sector 001."

"Oh how delightful," the temperamental Bajoran whom Kathryn thought was called Seska sneered at her. "Right into the waiting arms of your clever little fleet."

"Seska, enough." Chakotay said evenly.

Janeway's eyes fell on the half Klingon they had rescued, along with Harry, from the Ocampa planet. 'B'Elanna…How are you feeling?"

B'Elanna looked surprised to have her well being personally addressed by the Captian. "I feel better. I'd feel much better than that if you weren't delivering us into the hands of Starfleet."

"Those were the risks you all took when you decided to take up arms against the Federation."

"We haven't taken up arms against the Federation! We are trying to protect the Federation from the Cardassians, something almighty Starfleet is too blinded by diplomacy to do!" B'Elanna shouted.

Janeway didn't flinch. Instead, she gazed directly into Chakotay's eyes. A brief flicker of regret coursed through her, but she pushed it aside. Yes, he had been an ally in the Delta Quadrant. He sacrificed his ship. He was seriously injured. He handed himself right over to her, knowing what she would have to do. But like she said, those were the risks he took. "By the power vested in my by Starfleet Command and the United Federation of Planets, I am hereby placing you all under arrest for treason and conspiracy against the Federation itself. You are, of course innocent until proven guilty, and you have the right to legal representation. You will remain confined to the brig until we reach Earth, at which time you will be transported to Starfleet Headquarters to await trial for your crimes. Do you understand?"

Chakotay nodded. "Perfectly."

"You will be fed and your basic needs will be taken care of until we reach our destination. Are there any questions?"

"No, ma'am."

Janeway tried not to flinch. She hated that term. "Thank you for all your help out there, Mr.Chakotay. It will be noted that you and your crew assisted us when you didn't have to. I don't know what help it will be for you, but I will testify that you put aside your personal grievances with the Federation in order to help us all find a solution to return home, even though you knew exactly what would happen when we got here."

"Thank you, Captain."

She nodded. Turning, she left the room.

* * *

Sometimes she wondered about the Ocampa. She hoped that the destruction of the array truly meant the Kazon would leave them alone, but she doubted it. She knew Neelix and Kes had planned to hightail it out of that space and head for friendlier territory, and she did hope they had made it. She shuddered to think about what would have happened if they hadn't been able to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, especially since Chakotay's ship had been destroyed. The next seventy years, with a contingent of Maquis on her ship? They all would have killed each other before the first ten light years. 

Mark had been relieved when she came home. Voyager had just disappeared for several days, without a trace. They had been lucky to stumble upon a search party once they left the badlands. Voyager had taken more damage than she had realized, and it was becoming difficult to contain the Maquis. They were increasingly hostile and made many attempts to shut down the force field in the brig. Once they rendezvoused with the Orion just outside the badlands, she was able to transport the Maquis aboard that ship and head to DS9 for repairs. They were there for a week, and she heard through various communiqué's that the Maquis had, as a group, pled guilty, but not before they made an extremely passionate entreaty to the federation to open their eyes to the growing Cardassian threat, and not be so complacent in their so called peace treaty.

She didn't really know what to make of that. She didn't trust the Cardassians, but she had to hope that this attempt for peace would succeed. They couldn't afford an all out confrontation. But there were disturbing reports coming in, reports of a dark Cardassian ally, reports of atrocities against the border colonies that were ceded to the Cardassians, reports of insane medical experiments. Reports, reports, reports…but no conclusive evidence to warrant a Federation investigation.

Tom Paris remained on DS9 with them. She told the captain of the Orion that she would bring him back herself, since her pilot was dead and he was well qualified. The other captain had been reluctant, but Janeway had made every assurance that Tom would get back to the penal colony. In the meantime, he was enjoying the last few days of his freedom with young Ensign Kim. She didn't have the heart to confine him to quarters, not after what they had all been through.

She now had the unhappy task of writing condolence letters to the families of those who were killed on the mission. Starfleet Command would notify them, but she would give the families the unclassified details of their loved ones' deaths. It was the least she could do, in addition to commending them on their bravery. Once that was done, she felt drained. By the time she was home in Mark's arms, she could almost feel the attraction of never leaving Earth again.

The Maquis trial went as she expected. She testified as the arresting officer, but also as a character witness. She told the tribunal of the sacrifices the Maquis crew had made, and how readily they collaborated with the Voyager crew. She had pleaded hard for them, not wanting them to get away with anything but still thinking they deserved a modicum of leniency. The normal sentence of life in prison was reduced to thirty years with no parole. She felt that was reasonable for treason. Still, she couldn't help but feel terrible about it. It seemed like such a waste to her, all that talent locked away in the penal colony. But as she had told them, they knew the risks of what they did. She was most disappointed about Chakotay. He was brilliant, and he had once been a fine Starfleet Officer. She felt that in another time and place, they could have been good friends. They had worked well together.

As for Tom, her glowing recommendations of him had him released from prison before the Maquis trial even started. He disappeared in France, and Janeway sorely hoped he would stay out of trouble from now on.

She and Mark got married a few months later, and she took a short leave from Starfleet. When she returned, her ship was more than ready for a new mission, and the crew was mostly reassembled, with some new additions to replace the crew they lost in the Delta Quadrant. She even had an upgraded EMH, a much more congenial version.

Unfortunately, after some time went by, a covert sect of Cardassians with a personal grudge against Chakotay and his Maquis cell were able to infiltrate the Federation prison where they were being held. The entire cell was assassinated, long before the war came to a head, long before most of the imprisoned Maquis were released to help fight the Cardassians. Kathryn was saddened to hear of their deaths, but with the escalating conflict, she couldn't take the time to mourn them. The only one to escape the carnage was Seska, who was taken back to the Obsidian Order and debriefed. Three months later, she was killed on another assignment.

As the years went by, the situation with the Cardassians, and then the Dominion and the Jem'hadar, grew to alarming proportions. Finally, it was all out war between them and the Federation, and millions of lives were lost. Kathryn had barely wasted a thought in years on the Maquis she had once captured, but now she remembered them, especially after she learned of the massacre of Tevlik. When she learned of the amount of children who were killed, she felt sick. They had been wrong to ignore the Cardassian threat in favor of maintaining diplomatic relations. And now, they were all paying the price.

Her marriage was turbulent. They loved each other very much, but she was always on a mission, especially with the war. They rarely saw each other. When they did, they fought and they made love. That was about it.

Voyager was destroyed by a Cardassian armada, four days after Kathryn discovered she was pregnant. She never even got to tell Mark.

The last thing she remembered was Tuvok rattling off a list of the damaged systems, and Harry screaming as he was hit by a discharge from his console. And then she was dead, along with her crew, as the warp core exploded.

Tom Paris was the only one on Voyager's maiden voyage who lived through the war. He was murdered while being involved in black market trading on the outer edges of Federation space.

* * *

Kathryn gasped in horror as she finally found herself back with her guide. "Why…why would you show me such a dismal outcome?" she was able to say around her sobs. 

Her guide looked unaffected, calm. "It wasn't an outcome, Kathryn. It was a certainly. If you had returned to your area of space instead of stayed here, within a few years, everyone on your ship would be dead. Even Neelix and Kes. They would be killed by the Kazon. And there are many more you haven't met yet, people who will join your crew in years to come who will be dead otherwise. And the baby…"

"Naomi?"

"Yes. She will escape the war, as she will be living out her life on DS9 with her father. Her mother will be aboard your ship, though, and she will be killed. Even those who are on your crew now who would be transferred to another ship will somehow be killed in the Cardassian conflict. It is just the way of it, Kathryn. And even though she lives through the war, little Naomi will be killed, along with her father, during a warp core breech on a transport shuttle to their home world. She will be eight years old." The guide thought for a moment, her eyes narrowed. "Tell me, Kathryn, are you in love?"

Kathryn frowned. "I love my fiance'."

Her guide smiled softly. "Ah, but you aren't in love with him any longer, are you? But there is someone who your heart belongs to, even though you won't let him take it. A man who is your equal, your other half, your soul's mate. You know of whom I speak."

"I don't," Kathryn said stubbornly. "There isn't anyone except Mark."

"How did it feel, for you while you were inside your counterpart, to have to arrest your best friend? To send him to jail? To know he was murdered?"

"I…"she blinked. "I was devastated. I couldn't bear if anything happened to him," her expression hardened. "Which is why we have-"

"Parameters, yes, yes." The guide waved a hand. "Nonsense. You're going tom have a lonely life out here if you keep defining everything by parameters. That man is waiting for you right now, terrified that something will happen to you, loving you even though you refuse to acknowledge it. Trust me, Kathryn, on day he may move on, and you will be heartbroken. Remember, as the Captain, you are going to be the one to perform the marriage ceremonies. Do you want to have to perform his?"

"I want him to be happy," she said quietly. "But I honestly don't know what any of this has to do with Kes."

"It doesn't. It has to do with you. And if you want him to be happy – truly happy – then you'll put those barriers down." The guide smirked. "But I know you won't. Not until it's too late. Not until the last possible second. Tell me," she grinned slyly. "Would you like to see another decision made differently? A more...personal decision? I promise, this one will be pleasant."

"Which one?" she said warily.

"Well, let's just sasy, on your little sojourn to New Earth, that you defined parameters a little differrently."

"No." Kathryn said shortly.

Her guide sighed. "You're going to be lonely with that attitude, Kathryn. Maybe you should have gone back to the Alpha Quadrant, after all."

"No!" she exclaimed. "Not at the price it took."

"It was terrifying, wasn't it? Don't worry, my dear, it didn't happen. It won't happen. You made the right choice, in that at least."

Kathryn buried her face in her hands as tears ran down her face. "It was so real," she cried. "It felt like it was happening."

"It would have happened, had you not made the decision to strand your crew here. There are things you will do here that will affect your own quadrant. There is a specific threat you will thwart which would otherwise end in the destruction of an already war weakened Federation. It is a threat they have faced before, with tremendous consequences. But with you fighting that threat here, the Federation will be able to concentrate on the problems there. Your world is about to go through a horrendous war, Kathryn. But you have your own battles to fight here. You can bring your crew back to a world that is ready for them. Ready to forgive your Maquis, your Tom Paris, ready to welcome you. They aren't ready now. You have to wait."

"We have to wait seventy years." Kathryn whispered.

Her guide smirked again. "Perhaps. But, as will be the case with Chakotay, you'll know when you're ready. You'll know when it's time."

Now she remembered it all, the war, the Maquis trial, her troubled marriage with Mark, her baby…her death. She collapsed on her couch, her hand to her head as she processed the images again. But why now? Why was she remembering what had been hidden to her for all these years?

"You'll know when it's time…" she whispered in awe. She looked out the viewport. "Soon. It will be soon."

* * *

Now the guilt had lessened. Remembering the other life they would have gone back to, the certainty in her guide that this was the only other possible future, she shuddered to think of the trade off for getting home then. She would wait a thousand years in the Delta Quadrant before she would live that life, or allow any member of her crew to live it. They all would have been dead years ago. It was a paralyzing vision. It felt as though she had really lived it, and it was tearing her heart apart. 

"Thank God," she whispered. "Thank God I did what I did."

She supposed the threat they had to face in the Delta Quadrant was the Borg, and perhaps it was the Borg Queen's preoccupation with Voyager that kept her from actively going after the Federation. Kathryn knew of one attempt on Earth several years ago which was thwarted by the Enterprise. So with Voyager keeping them occupied, and especially with them having taken some of the Queen's precious drones and keeping the ship on her radar, maybe she had let Earth slip to the back of her mind. Who knew. In any case, it was a certainty that the Federation could not have withstood a Borg conflict in addition to all the other fighting that was going on. Kathryn had received reports of the war through the data stream. It was mostly resolved by now, but the casualties had been extreme. Many former colleagues of hers were dead. Many ships and crews had been lost. And indeed, the Maquis massacre at Tevlik had been a horror beyond compare. The Federation had dropped the ball, and now they were cleaning up the mess.

It was a good time to go home, to go help clean up.

Her chime rang, and she looked up "Come,"

Chakotay entered, and she almost broke down. She remembered that she had sent him to jail, his beautiful, brilliant mind silenced forever by an assassin. Their friendship had never happened. She couldn't imagine a day without him. What would she have done without him by her side?

"Captain, the doctor reports that everyone is recovered from their…experiences on Quarra."

She nodded. Then, before she could stop herself, she rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. He was startled at first, then retuned the hug as she buried her face in his neck. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for rescuing me," came her muffled voice. She pulled back to look in his eyes. 'Thank you, Chakotay."

He smiled and brushed a piece of hair off her forehead. 'You're welcome, Kathryn. Anytime you need rescuing, I am here to serve."

She smiled. "I know." She took a step back, and they knew the moment was broken.

But later on, she reflected back to it, and remembered what her guide told her. It now had another meaning to her as well.

You'll know when it's time…


End file.
